I have never been to Kansas, but suffice to say I am certainly not there any more

Out with the old in with the Daegu. 

With the purchase of one crisp blue shirt (size 100), one fashionable sparkly blue zip-up tie and a four hour bus ride, I was ready for the first blind date of my life.  Hello Mrs. Khang, my name is Kyle and I'll be your boy for the next year.

My co-teacher and her administrative assistant arrived in a flood with everyone else's Korean counterparts.  They waded through the crowded lobby of the Educational Institute with my name on a sign.  They'd been waiting for me, they said.  Like man and bear, we were both terrified of each other.  Only one of us could rend the other limb from limb if cornered though.  But who?

There is a dance you do when you're in a hurry in a crowded mall, a manner of darting through the shifting holes between the people.  Your bulk crowds make no sudden movements, and you take the initiative to aggresively cut through them.  This is a poor analogy as it holds only half true for the back alley driving that takes place in Daegu.  Everyone is the hurried one in the mall.  They accelerate at each other, they brush unpeturbed pedestrians.  The stop, back up, and park whever ever they want.  I complimented Mrs. Khang on her driving but she didn't think it was so good.  Seen from the sky though, I suspect it is art.

My Vice Principal is a very nice man.  He majored in English and as such he speaks it quite well, as does Mrs. Khang for that matter.  Dinner was in the mall - Bulgogi Brothers.  I took their advice and got the bim beem bop.  It is delcious and I tell them as much.  The Vice Principal has a touching concern for me.  He worried that the food would be too spicy, that I would not be able to handle chop sticks and that I will be very cold because my gas won't be turned on untill tomorrow.  They talk amongst themselves in Korean a lot.  At one point they talk for several minutes and then the Vice Principal turns to me.  "Tomorrow Mrs. Khang would like to come to your house at 10 take you to a spaghetti restaurant."  He means 10 in the morning.  Mrs. Khang has already spent three hours with me shopping.  It is clearly much less a case of Mrs. Khang wanting to than of the Vice Principal telling her he wants her to.  He is my superior and to try and get Mrs. Khang out of her duties would be disrespectful.  I can not even tell them that spaghetti is not something we eat for breakfast in the west.  So I have a date tomorrow morning.  We're doing Italian.

In which I learn work eithic

Monday has brought changes to our happy little oasis.  We, some three hundred-fifty odd English speaking so and so's are having our dingy ivory tower rattled.  No more field trips to see pots and paintings, no more dinner on the house and rice wine in a bowl.  Classes start at 9 and run until 8.  They are one part informative and two parts sleepy.  It's no more Mr. Nice Korea.  In four days men will arrive from all of our future provincial homes and inspect us: haunches, teeth and hooves.  I will have to buy a tie.  I will have to braid my mane. 

First impressions are important; I hear these men are made of clay.

DNA, like Diamonds, forever.

Today I was weighed, squeezed, pricked, x-rayed and it occured to me as I stood in line with a small paper cup half full of my own urine that I really shouldn't need to cover it with my medical form as everyone else was.  People looked so embarrassed, sheepish.  One of the older woman shook as she approached the recieving table, cup covered in the manner I already described.  Only a moment later I watched her swiftly exit the bathroom.  I could only conclude that she'd waited in the seven minute line to tell them that she couldn't manage to pee in the cup and was so embarrassed that she'd covered up so that no one would see that there wasn't anything there.  Aren't we human though?  It seemed to me a perfect opportunity to bond over one of the few completely cross cultural acts we make.  You pee, I pee, lets all pee and give it to the doctor.  Nice shading Matt, how did you manage that?

But the doctor, dedicated soul she is, didn't even bother wearing gloves.  She only mashed our paper cups to have a point and poured the contents into a vial.  Deft as she did so when I watched her, I couldn't help but feel that she deserved a pair of gloves none the less.  To pee is human but to spill is just gross. 

The point I suppose is that the Korean government now has more than enough of me to make more.  No dog, I will not die.  I teach English now and perhaps forever once the technology is available.  Change the name, trademark the face and fix the gap in my teeth.  When the results come in, I wonder if they'll be able to tell me when I go bald.  If they can, I'll ask them not to.  I hear stress can accelerate that sort of thing.

Today I did not eat the octopus

I write from Eulji University in Seongnam City.  In order to write I had to first discover that my the adapter that Jo of "Jo's Discount Electronics" (Home of 220 Volts) is a square to Korea's circle.  Literally.  The adapter he sold me is a square and Korea requires a circle.  Faced with only a battery, I selfishly hoarded my power until another adapter could be located.  By good fortune I came across one today.  All they asked for it was for me to teach them the ways of Football-American.  The pigskin not being my forté, I taught them hopscotch instead.  They were none the wiser. 

Today as we wandered, our group came across a fine men's wear store.  In need of fine men's wear to impress, I entered.  Quick! Using only sign language, attempt to explain that the pants you are trying on have too much fabric from the waist to the start of your thighs and are bunching up when you lift your leg.  Does all that grabbing at your crotch seem a bit obcene?  Pretend you're doing it in front of a very somber Korean man in his late 60's whose bound by good decorum to try and help you.  Does he need that kind of vulgar trouble?  Mime leaving defeated and allow him to regain his dignity.

They had a big dinner for us tonight.  The dozen or so orientation/training staff lined up on either side of the door and cheered as each one of the 350 or so GET's (guest english teachers - our moniker) walked through the door in pairs and fives and singles for about twenty minutes.  It felt like I was on the first string of the basketball team, which was pretty nice.  In highschool I always had to be the manager. 

The buffet was massive, and I tried to eat a bit of everything.  Except that is for the octopus.  Recently I had a close encounter with one at the Vancouver Aquarium.  The way it looked at me reconfirmed that it was evil and my enemy.  I know you might think that I should eat it because it's my enemy, but Peter Pan never ate Captain Hook and that's a pretty good analogy for the entire situation in my books. 

Soon we're going out singing and drinking.  In the Karaoke bar, you press the button marked "Happy" to order drinks.  They have got a few things here dead right.

anyong ha sae yo

Anyong ha sae yo is as far as I've gotten so far.  It means "hello" in Korean, I think.  I'm going there in about a day and a half for a year.  This and what follows will be about that mostly.

Riding home this, my last weekend at home, I sat crammed into the fold down back seat of my friends Ford something or other.  The hang over was thick and it was beautiful out.  Andy Mckee's cover of Africa was playing and we drove past a cross on the side of the road denoting a car accident.  It all felt like it meant something. I imagine I'll be getting a lot of this sort of thing, what with all the I'm-leaving-chemicals racing through my body.  I hope this uncontrollable drug abuse won't lead me to deviancy; basing my life around fate, astrology, necromancy etc.

Here is a list of firsts to have in Korea.  I figure I'll write them down now and fill in the time, date and details later as best I can.

1. First Irrational feeling of infinite superiority to local population.
2. First Less irrational feeling of infinite inferiority to local population.
3. First Authentic Korean friend who likes me for me and speaks with an accent.
4. First Time Drunk.
5a. First Time I single out a child in my classroom as my 'favorite'.
5b. First Inevitable fall from grace.
6. First Time I eat something I am afraid of.
7. First Time I am the victim of racism.
8. First Pokémon I catch.
9. First New slang word I adopt into my vocabulary.
10. First Robotic implant (I HOPE A LAZER EYE!)

I'll see you over there.